First, they talk about how Ron Paul isn’t being covered by the press, completely ignoring my lack of press coverage.
Then, they don’t invite me to their debate.
I see how it is. It’s cuz I’m a bajillion times cuter than any of them.
That is why I’m writing my responses to some of the issues that were raised. Plus, they can’t make any rebuttals. I only came in partway through, so cut me some slack.
On Obamacare:
Obama was wrong to shove the thing through Congress. And, unless you change to a federal model for insurers (let’s not even go there), it should be handled at the state level. STATES RIGHTS! This is the Republican way of saying, “I don’t want to talk about this.” If they had asked me about that time I had—accidentally—spit up all over the grounds at the Jefferson memorial, I would have yelled, “STATES RIGHTS!” and probably spat up on them.
Simple lesson I learned from Mom: Have mommies kiss all booboos. Problem solved.
On Immigration:
Bachmann talked about going back to the 1960s rules, but I say why stop there? Why not go back to what we first did: let everyone in. Okay, fine, all the problems with drugs and everything and terrorists and that. Well, that brings out issues of how best to fight drugs and terrorists. Maybe if we did that right, we wouldn’t have to worry so much about just letting everyone in.
STATES RIGHTS! Or something…
Simple lesson I learned from Mom: Sharing is caring. Everyone can come and play at my house.
On Raising Taxes:
I would say watch Jon Stewart tell it, but my aides tell me that the GOP doesn’t like him and his satirical truth telling. So instead, I will say that we should tax people based on how not cute they are. For the record, I find people with less money to be waaaay cuter than those with tons of it. I could get more into this, but then it would get political, and no one likes that.
Simple lesson I learned from Mom: Mom’s a really talented economist, and she can actually get going on this. So we’ll skip over it for now.
On Creating Jobs:
Do I need to talk about this if I’m not old enough to have one? (Other than the presidency, that is)
Simple lesson I learned from Mom: She said something about getting an allowance based on my work performance when I’m older.
On the Death Penalty:
First, let me say that I have never spat up so much as when people applauded the number of people that have been executed under Rick Perry as Texas Governor. I don’t know why, I just kept projectile vomiting at the screen. Totally reactionary. Anyway, talk to my dad about this. He’s the one going to law school.
Simple lesson I learned from Mom: Hitting people back never solves the problem.
Finally, concerning the little jabs the candidates make at each other, I dare them to say anything denigrating about a baby. Double-dog-dare.
Simple lesson learned from Mom: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
As the only person left at the debate, I definitely declare myself the winner.
