Wednesday, September 7, 2011

My responses to the GOP debate!

First, they talk about how Ron Paul isn’t being covered by the press, completely ignoring my lack of press coverage.

Then, they don’t invite me to their debate.

I see how it is. It’s cuz I’m a bajillion times cuter than any of them.

That is why I’m writing my responses to some of the issues that were raised. Plus, they can’t make any rebuttals. I only came in partway through, so cut me some slack.

On Obamacare:
Obama was wrong to shove the thing through Congress. And, unless you change to a federal model for insurers (let’s not even go there), it should be handled at the state level. STATES RIGHTS! This is the Republican way of saying, “I don’t want to talk about this.” If they had asked me about that time I had—accidentally—spit up all over the grounds at the Jefferson memorial, I would have yelled, “STATES RIGHTS!” and probably spat up on them.

Simple lesson I learned from Mom: Have mommies kiss all booboos. Problem solved.

On Immigration:
Bachmann talked about going back to the 1960s rules, but I say why stop there? Why not go back to what we first did: let everyone in. Okay, fine, all the problems with drugs and everything and terrorists and that. Well, that brings out issues of how best to fight drugs and terrorists. Maybe if we did that right, we wouldn’t have to worry so much about just letting everyone in.

STATES RIGHTS! Or something…

Simple lesson I learned from Mom: Sharing is caring. Everyone can come and play at my house.

On Raising Taxes:
I would say watch Jon Stewart tell it, but my aides tell me that the GOP doesn’t like him and his satirical truth telling. So instead, I will say that we should tax people based on how not cute they are. For the record, I find people with less money to be waaaay cuter than those with tons of it. I could get more into this, but then it would get political, and no one likes that.

Simple lesson I learned from Mom:  Mom’s a really talented economist, and she can actually get going on this. So we’ll skip over it for now.

On Creating Jobs:
Do I need to talk about this if I’m not old enough to have one? (Other than the presidency, that is)

Simple lesson I learned from Mom: She said something about getting an allowance based on my work performance when I’m older.

On the Death Penalty:
First, let me say that I have never spat up so much as when people applauded the number of people that have been executed under Rick Perry as Texas Governor. I don’t know why, I just kept projectile vomiting at the screen. Totally reactionary. Anyway, talk to my dad about this. He’s the one going to law school.

Simple lesson I learned from Mom: Hitting people back never solves the problem.

Finally, concerning the little jabs the candidates make at each other, I dare them to say anything denigrating about a baby. Double-dog-dare.

Simple lesson learned from Mom: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

As the only person left at the debate, I definitely declare myself the winner.

Friday, September 2, 2011


I know that Huntsman isn't the front-runner right now. He's not even the middle-, sort-of-hanging-in-there-, or dragging-himself-across-the-ground-in-desperation-runner. (Okay, maybe he is that last one). As of late, Huntsman is somewhere between the crazies (read: GOP elite) and  the minority pizza guy. You know,the guy who makes it okay for the Republicans to say, "Hey, we're diverse, too!"

BUT! There's still a reason to talk about him:

He's easy pickins.

I mean, seriously: a former Governor and Ambassador who, as a moderate conservative, enjoyed incredibly high approval ratings while leading the reddest state in the nation to lower unemployment, lower state debt, and more moderate immigration and civil union policies, all while remaining completely faithful to his wife and not worrying about enriching himself through shady land deals? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?!

Who's left in the field that hasn't shown this guy up with their affairs, use of government knowledge for land deals , explosion of state debt, or delicious pizza?

Oh yeah, he's not insane either? Strike seventy-four.

Moderation is for giant sissy-men.

At this point, you must be wondering how I could possibly do any more damage to him that hasn't already been done?

Easy. I am incapable of controlling my bowels, can't even grab my toes let along a signing pen, mumble and drool incoherently, and break down crying and yelling when I'm not picked up.

Shoot, I think I just outdid the whole field.

While napping.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

My Nominees to the Fed

Ben Bernanke has been under a lot of fire over the last while for his direction of the Fed. A few people have started to ask me who I would nominate to take his place, so I gave this a lot of thought.

The Chairman of the Fed has a big job. He needs to sit in his office coordinating his researcher minions who tabulate things about the economy. Then, based on said research, he needs to come up with a strategy for counteracting whatever damage corrupt businessmen/uneducated proletariat/Congress happens to have done recently.
His biggest weapon, of course, is the sound of his voice. When he says something like “the fundamentals of the economy are strong” and people believe him, the stock markets soothe and settle like a baby on the bosom. When he is seen cowering under his desk while perusing his stock portfolio denominated mostly in Yuan, people run for the door.  But it doesn’t really matter if he is right or wrong, just whether people believe that he will actually do as he says.
So, no more stodgy, incomprehensible economists. We need someone trustworthy, someone able to motivate people to increase their economic activity, someone to reassure us that all is well even whilst we sit in our life raft surrounded by sharks. We need someone with charisma and a proven track record of selling the unsellable, with success and poise. We also need someone with a powerful box of tricks to heal all our economic ailments.

For these reasons, I propose the following candidates. They have been so successful in their current roles, we can have no doubt that they would also succeed at the Fed. In no particular order:

Lucky of Lucky Charms – He has a secret workshop in the forest staffed by elves (or is that the Keebler elves…whatever)! He has a lucky four-leaf clover, which is a much better indicator of stock market success than anything else! He is Irish, and thus has a long history of fiscal prudence. And drinking whiskey. And if that is not enough, I have one word, my friends: Pot O' Gold. This would single-handedly solve our national debt problem.

The iPad - It can do anything. ANYTHING. (I may or may not have received substantial campaign contributions from Apple for this AdSpace.) Anything... Also, the iPad is so powerful that we could do away with that army of researchers, saving a substantial portion of the Fed’s operating budget. Then, Sarah Palin could hire them to help make her speeches sound more literate. Win. Win. Win. 

Ronald McDonald - He would stabilize the currency by trading out all of our dollars for McNuggets. He would then offer three interest 'flavors': Sweet and Sour, Barbeque, and Honey Mustard. This is a surefire way of reducing inflation by...eating all of the currency. Plus, it's not like we can get any fatter, amiright? Also, he would make us a Happy World by giving McSpeeches, using toys rather than power points.

Goldie the Goldfish - Because nothing says 'economic stability' like an orange, fish-shaped, talking cracker. He would sing us jingles to explain quantitative easing, like this:
            Here’s a jingle for dollars,
            Those printed and not gold dollars,
            Cuz banks are poor, I’m printing more, until it solves our problems
            Did you know that with more money, you can buy bling for your honey?
            The trick to fix quick, Dollars!

Actually, Goldie's jingles are really awkward and off-meter. At least he's got bling.

Joe Camel - I know Joe is in retirement, but no one can smooth out a situation like Joe. Mmmm...that's some smooth monetary easing.

As a last resort, there's always the Teltubbies - I don't care how many times I watch them, they can show me those videos again as many times as they want. No one will care about anything, much less the economy, once you flip on an episode of these...things...

And if all of these fail, we could take the suggestion of some of my friends to do away with the fed entirely. Or we could sell the position to the highest bidder, Blagojevich could help.

Anyone have better suggestions?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Disastrous Earthquake on the East Coast

I just wanted to make sure people knew how compassionate and responsive I am to major natural disasters.

George W. Bush showed up late to Katrina, a devastatingly poor show of leadership that cost lives and slowed recovery.

Obama showed up kinda sorta on time to the oil spill in the Gulf and to the tornado damage in Joplin. Still, he only managed to show up AFTER the fact. Such a lack of foresight. Who does he think he is?

I, however, was in Richmond, VA a WEEK AGO, comforting people, allowing them to hold me and be entertained by my ridiculous cuteness, and assuring them that only a few yogurt cups, lawn chairs, and canned goods would be knocked over by the earthquake. My leadership saved a lot of worry. I will also take credit for lessening the impact of the quake by a full point on the Richter scale.

If elected President, this is the type of prescient leadership you can expect. And cuteness. And reduction in Richter scale impact of earthquakes.

You listening, California?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Campaign Finance

Sorry about the conspicuous absence. I've been busy helping to form a couple of PACs to help me fundraise for the campaign. I've been taking notes from President Obama and the GOP field on how PACs work, but I'm not as creative with names, so here's what we've rustled up so far:

THE "For a million dollars, I will do anything, ANYTHING, for you after I get elected. Anything." PAC
--Big Oil, anything on Wall Street, certain dictators funneling money through other channels, and everyone else in the top 0.5% of the wealth distribution

THE "I'm giving away petty favors and some pork barrel legislation if you give me somewhere between 10 to 300 thousand dollars" PAC.
--Pretty much everyone else in the top 1%. Maybe top 5%, but those people are probably just getting some crappy appointment to be the Ambassador to Djibouti...

THE "for everyone else who gives me less than a thousand bucks who thinks I'll actually listen to any of their interests once I get elected" PAC
--This would be you.

THE "Donors who are Anonymous to everyone else, but not Anonymous to me" PAC.
--This just sounded pretentious enough that I thought those people who gave me money in the first two might give me a bit more.

THE "Thank Goodness for Citizens United" PAC.
--Rupert Murdoch. And some other people, but they also donated to the Anonymous one. Pay to play, people.

THE "Stop any legislation or lobbying that prevents us from making these awesome PACs that kill Democracy by moving power to those who have buttloads of money, like that one from Stephen Colbert" PAC

Now, in choosing a PAC, I recommend you spread it around, not just between my PACs, but between candidates. You just want to make sure you can get your favors.

Pay to play, people. Pay to play.

Obligatory mugshot!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Official Statement on the Debt Ceiling Deal

"I've produced better things in my diaper.

And that goes for just about everything Congress is doing these days."

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Raise the Roof

I apologize for the absence. Campaigning through Alabama, Tennesee, and Eastern North Carolina left me without internet access and in serious need of a diaper change.

A few of my constituents (I'm looking at you Michael Monroe), have asked me to address the current debt crisis. I've had a few observations in recent days.

First, I watched my dad go through page after page of loan counseling so droll and boring that I wet myself, fell asleep, and dreamed I was still wetting myself, just because it was more entertaining than watching that drivel. The one thing of note is that, if my dad fails to repay these loans due to anything other than complete disability or death, the federal government, I kid you not, threatens to come after him with the full force of the law. It's in there. In black and white.

This leads me to my first questions:
Do members of government, specifically in Congress and the White House, have to read this crap?
No way, Jose, because if they did, they'd never become politicians. Even those lesser lifeforms would rather pee themselves to sleep than read loan counseling, constantly selecting all of the above or true for every 'quiz' question.

Who will either seriously maim, kill, or come after the government with their full might if the government fails to repay their loans?
I'm looking at China, no one, or God. China's screwed if they try this (along with the rest of the world) and God's reckoning won't happen until this doesn't matter anymore, so I'm looking at no one.

Second story. My parents decided that their parents had paid enough taxes that they could sign me up for Medicaid. Woohoo. Now, this got me to thinking about the social safety net, specifically welfare.

If a family on welfare started working, receiving a decent-sized income, much less an exorbitant one, their welfare benefits would be cut off, right? Maybe the GOP can answer that one?

Once they stopped screaming about welfare in general, not having paid attention to the whole statement, they would heartily agree that those former freeloaders would get the boot.

Aren't subsidies and tax breaks essentially welfare for corporations?

GOP? I can't hear you. You'll have to speak up.

Oh wait, I'm running for your nomination! I meant, don't corporations making millions to billions of profits need our help in order to survive and to keep from fleeing the country? I'm pissed off they don't get more help from the state! The state should just run them and give them all their money!

Sorry, I got off track for a second. Government hands off my medicare! Last time, I swear.

I don't have any more stories to tell for now, but I will say this:

The Republicans did the right thing by making debt and spending an issue. That is why we need opposition in government, because otherwise it gets unbalanced. But we shouldn't tip the scales the other way.

Complete intransigence and lack of compromise on a deal in order to raise the debt ceiling is just childish. I'll avoid a baby joke here.

As far as a plan moving forward:

- End the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
- Reform Social Security (retirement age, benefits indices, etc.)
- Reform military spending (veterans insurance, in particular)
- Close corporate tax breaks, end corporate and agricultural subsidies, simplify the tax code (new brackets are arguable)
- Cut pork spending. If states need something, they can raise the revenue themselves. Local government is smaller government is, hopefully, more efficient government.
- Campaign finance reform and electoral change (you may say wtf does this have to do with the debt ceiling, but I'll address this soon).

And, on a closing note, something that I do feel particularly strong about as a baby, change Medicare.

To all you old people out there, yes, you who vote and are going senile (great combo). I'm a baby. You're on your last legs. Yes, you deserve to be comfortable. Yes, you deserve health care. But to an extent. Preventative care to me, is a basic human right if we can provide it. Extending life for a month at the cost of thousands of dollars is not. No death panels, but no exorbitant health care packages. I may sound heartless, but everyone moves on. Your retirement creates more jobs. Your peaceful passage from life creates more room for the rising generations.

I am not dying the future.

PS: Sorry about the lack of pictures and only two videos. I wrote this at 2 am and my parents kept wanting to put me back to bed.