Saturday, August 27, 2011

My Nominees to the Fed

Ben Bernanke has been under a lot of fire over the last while for his direction of the Fed. A few people have started to ask me who I would nominate to take his place, so I gave this a lot of thought.

The Chairman of the Fed has a big job. He needs to sit in his office coordinating his researcher minions who tabulate things about the economy. Then, based on said research, he needs to come up with a strategy for counteracting whatever damage corrupt businessmen/uneducated proletariat/Congress happens to have done recently.
His biggest weapon, of course, is the sound of his voice. When he says something like “the fundamentals of the economy are strong” and people believe him, the stock markets soothe and settle like a baby on the bosom. When he is seen cowering under his desk while perusing his stock portfolio denominated mostly in Yuan, people run for the door.  But it doesn’t really matter if he is right or wrong, just whether people believe that he will actually do as he says.
So, no more stodgy, incomprehensible economists. We need someone trustworthy, someone able to motivate people to increase their economic activity, someone to reassure us that all is well even whilst we sit in our life raft surrounded by sharks. We need someone with charisma and a proven track record of selling the unsellable, with success and poise. We also need someone with a powerful box of tricks to heal all our economic ailments.

For these reasons, I propose the following candidates. They have been so successful in their current roles, we can have no doubt that they would also succeed at the Fed. In no particular order:

Lucky of Lucky Charms – He has a secret workshop in the forest staffed by elves (or is that the Keebler elves…whatever)! He has a lucky four-leaf clover, which is a much better indicator of stock market success than anything else! He is Irish, and thus has a long history of fiscal prudence. And drinking whiskey. And if that is not enough, I have one word, my friends: Pot O' Gold. This would single-handedly solve our national debt problem.

The iPad - It can do anything. ANYTHING. (I may or may not have received substantial campaign contributions from Apple for this AdSpace.) Anything... Also, the iPad is so powerful that we could do away with that army of researchers, saving a substantial portion of the Fed’s operating budget. Then, Sarah Palin could hire them to help make her speeches sound more literate. Win. Win. Win. 

Ronald McDonald - He would stabilize the currency by trading out all of our dollars for McNuggets. He would then offer three interest 'flavors': Sweet and Sour, Barbeque, and Honey Mustard. This is a surefire way of reducing inflation by...eating all of the currency. Plus, it's not like we can get any fatter, amiright? Also, he would make us a Happy World by giving McSpeeches, using toys rather than power points.

Goldie the Goldfish - Because nothing says 'economic stability' like an orange, fish-shaped, talking cracker. He would sing us jingles to explain quantitative easing, like this:
            Here’s a jingle for dollars,
            Those printed and not gold dollars,
            Cuz banks are poor, I’m printing more, until it solves our problems
            Did you know that with more money, you can buy bling for your honey?
            The trick to fix quick, Dollars!

Actually, Goldie's jingles are really awkward and off-meter. At least he's got bling.

Joe Camel - I know Joe is in retirement, but no one can smooth out a situation like Joe. Mmmm...that's some smooth monetary easing.

As a last resort, there's always the Teltubbies - I don't care how many times I watch them, they can show me those videos again as many times as they want. No one will care about anything, much less the economy, once you flip on an episode of these...things...

And if all of these fail, we could take the suggestion of some of my friends to do away with the fed entirely. Or we could sell the position to the highest bidder, Blagojevich could help.

Anyone have better suggestions?

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