So my parents took me to a Michelle Bachmann rally (ironically so, or at least they thought) and they even let her kiss me (again, with ironic intentions). However, during that awkward, I-am-a-complete-stranger-and-I’m-kissing-your-baby moment (isn’t that illegal in most states?), I had a realization: America needs me. And not just because the Republicans have no idea what they’re doing.
America needs me because everyone loves babies and the ONE thing that this country needs more of right now, more than an economic recovery, more than a solution for our deficit, more than more politicians, is love. And that’s what babies provide. Oodles of love.
Beyond love, I bring to the table all of the positives that the other candidates have. I have Mitt Romney’s good looks, rapier wit, and economic smarts. I share Herman Cain’s everyman appeal and minority status (because, c’mon, babies can’t vote, can’t get married, and are, literally, looked down upon by everyone). While many say that Michelle Bachmann suffers from appalling naiveté, I spin it as childish innocence. And I’ve got John Huntsman’s pragmatism and keyboard chops (watch here as I play my own theme song, and those are my hands after some, er, tanning and a trip to the BLING STORE). I also have Newt Gingrich’s…jowls, and Rick Santorum’s…well…I’m not Rick Santorum. Who else is running?
So, without further ado, I am announcing my candidacy for the Republican nomination for the President of the United States of America (hereafter shortened to POTUSA). I am a baby, I am in it to win it, and I can wipe the floor with the competition before I’ve soiled my morning diaper.
To officially kick off my campaign, I will be traveling across our great country, from the bankrupt shores of California to the basketball-rabid state of North Carolina. Along the way I will kiss some old people; I will prove that, though unable to articulate complete syllables let alone entire words, my debating and public speaking skills leave the competition in the dust; and I will show that literally is literally my favorite word.
I am the future, literally.